ROTH – Chapter 3

Previously…

She [Renesmee] twirled around and faced me [Jacob]. “And you can’t really expect me to just stay here after…after you blackmailed me like that!”

“I– what? What are you even talking about? Blackmailed you?” Blackmail her? With what? A look of what I could only recognize as regret crossed her face.

“Look, I didn’t mean that. I just… I want to go home. And I’d prefer it to do it alone right now.”

And with that she turned around and walked away.

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Renesmee

I fucked up.

I royally fucked up.

What in the seven circles of hell was I thinking?

Seriously, Renesmee?

But let’s get back a bit, so you can understand my self-deprecating bashing.

I’m in love with my best friend and I don’t know how he feels about it. That statement is easy enough to understand, true? Well, here’s where things get a little… complicated.

You see, Jacob Black is a werewolf. But the real issue, isn’t him, it’s me. Cliché, right?

I’m what you might call a duck-billed platypus. Not really, but that’s the best analogy I could come up with. What I really am, is half human – half vampire.

People close to me, the people who love me and know the truth about what I am, say that’s nothing to be ashamed of, that what I am makes me unique and wonderful – not really, either, but I’ll get to that.

Want to know what I think? I think that’s a load of crap that your family and loved ones are bound to say to make you feel better.

Do they really believe it to be true? Maybe. Probably.

Do I? The answer would be: Most definitely not.

Why not, you may be wondering?

Well, to start with a simple enough reason, I’m one of the few of my kind. There are other four people like me in the whole freaking world. And if that doesn’t spell weirdness loud enough, I don’t know what will.

I know some people say weird is cool and more interesting, but newsflash fellows, I’m not one of those people. I prefer my life to be normal – even though I’ve never really experienced what normal is – I’d like to not have to lie to my friends about half of my life, to be able to grow old like any other living thing on earth… or at the very least, grow at a normal rate.

I really would like for my life to be ordinary.

Don’t get me wrong, the fact that I’d like some aspects of my life to change, doesn’t mean I hate it.

In fact, I’ve been blessed with a wonderful family that loves me and accepts me for who I am. I have friends; some of whom – for safety measures – can’t know the truth about me but despite that are always there when I need them. I’ve seen things and places that most people wouldn’t even dream of.

I am one lucky bitch.

But, Jesus Fucking Christ, would it have killed whoever created me making me a little less odd?

And if that makes me ungrateful, dissatisfied, unfulfilled or whatever you want to call it, well… who at some point in their life isn’t one of those things?

Yet, I have reasons that make it all worthwhile. My family, like I said before, is one of them. My friends are another one, and that brings us back to the beginning…

Jacob Black. My best friend. The person I’m in love with and don’t know how he feels.

If you ask me to specify the precise moment when I fell for him, I wouldn’t know how to pinpoint it. One minute he’s my favorite playmate, then my best friend and the next I’m noticing things friends shouldn’t notice in their friends and then… boom! Hearty eyes for me.

It was exactly as one of my favorite authors said “I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly and then all at once.”

What I do know, is that this feeling is unlike any other I’ve ever experienced before. It’s like feeling emptiness in your chest but at the same time fullness, as if a blast of air was overflowing you to the brim, and your lungs and heart wanted to explode out of your body but were unable to, so they settle for rattling inside of you until you were a quivering mess.

If you can imagine that multiplied by infinity, that’s about a thousandth of what I’m exposed to each time I see Jacob Black these days.

Now, if you’ve been paying attention, you might be wondering why did I fuck up?

Well, it all started an afternoon at school when Justin Johnson, one of my friends, came barreling to the cafeteria table where I was sitting along with Paula Brooks and Kristine Scott, both friends of mine as well.

“Please tell me Mr. Hunky is going,” Justin spoke as he placed his tray on the table and sat in front of us. I looked up at him confused and then looked at Conner Smithson questioningly who rolled his brown eyes as he sat next to Justin.

“My parents are going away for the weekend, and Justin convinced me to throw a party” Conner rolled his eyes again.

“Of course, I did! If Mommy and Daddy dearest are going to get it on, why shouldn’t we?” Justin winked, “And that, is my Mr. Hunky needs to come… maybe in more ways than one.”

“Justin!” Paula admonished. With her platinum blond hair, and flawless pale skin, she could almost past by one of my kind, if not for the green in her eyes and the pink coloring her skin as she heard Justin’s innuendo.

Justin’s statement was directed at me, I knew. And we all knew perfectly who “Mr. Hunky” was. He had this tremendous crush on Jacob since the first time he saw him. It didn’t matter that Justin knew Jake was undeniably straight. According to Justin, everyone had some gay if they were in the right hands. And he desperately wanted his hands to be the ones to make Jake gay.

I usually laughed at his jokes, but today for some reason my reaction to his comment was to stay quiet.

“Of course he’s going,” Kristine said, “That man’s like a puppy following his tail when it comes to Sissi,” she rolled her eyes.

Kristine had taken up on calling me Sissi, since the first day I met her and Paula when I told them my name and encouraged them to call me Nessie if they liked. Instead Kristine had admired my long hair and had given me a nickname from my nickname, and said it was in honor or the Empress of Austria since I had a regal look about me. I had laughed it off and allowed her to call me however she felt more comfortable, I hadn’t been in touch with a lot of humans at the time, and I remember being very anxious even though I was confident it did not show. Now though, I had come to warm up to the endearment, it kind of made me feel like I belonged.

My dear Kristine was also an adamant believer that Jacob was in love with me. And trust me, since some time ago, I wished she were true. But I knew what my reality was.

“That’s not true, Kris, we’ve know each other since forever,” I defended, if you can call the almost six years I’ve been alive forever, I thought bitterly.

“You know how rarely I agree with Kris, but she’s right on this one,” Paula added.

There was a beat of silence in which both Conner and Justin stopped mid-bite. Paula and Kristine were known to disagree a lot. Where Paula had an air of sweetness and innocence, Kristine’s air was that of mischief and naughtiness.

“I can die a happy man now,” Conner threw his hand in the air, “I never thought this day would arrive. They agreed on something!” he joked.

“Oh, Shut up!”

“Stop talking!”

“Shut your mouth!” came the different answers from us girls, to which Conner just laughed as did Justin.

It was Justin turn to intervene, and he brought us back to the subject, “You know, as much as I’d like to have all those juicy muscles to myself, and believe me, I do. I really, really do,” his tone conveyed that he really did, “I also have to agree to what these two lovely ladies are saying,” he continued, “Mr. Hunky is so into you that not even a crowbar would separate you. You have to be blind not to see it, my dear Renesmee,” Justin insisted.

I sighed, what would I give for what they were saying to be true. But what they saw was probably the closeness Jake and I had, “Many times people confuse friendship with being in love, Jake and I are just like, really close friends, nothing else.”

“Ah, sweet denial…” Justin sighed, “Honey, let me tell you something,” he leaned into the table.

“Here we go,” said Conner, as someone who knew exactly what was going to happen.

“Hush,” Kristine ordered, leaning in as well as if what Justin was about to say were words of great wisdom.

“I may not know what the difference between college and university is and sometimes I may confuse what a lawyer and an attorney is. But one thing I have clear as the difference between a circumcised and an uncircumcised cock – “

“Jesus…” Conner exclaimed.

“Justin!” Paula admonished again, scandalized.

“ – Is that what Mr. Hunky Muscles and you have is not a simple friendship, mark my words,” Justin finished, proud of himself.

At this point, all of us except, Conner were laughing, even Paula was laughing through her embarrassment. I was laughing too; you’ve got admit it was funny. Internally I was thinking about what Justin had just said.

“You know that I love you man, but there are things a guy doesn’t need to know about what his bi friend knows about cock. So this humble server is going to retire, I have to speak with Ms. Auger about my French assignment anyway,” and with that, Conner left.

Kristine watched him go, her eyes lingering a bit too long, and then turned back to us. “What Mr. Wise in here is saying is true and you know it.”

“I thought we were talking about Conner’s party,” I muttered, longing to go back to the original subject.

“And we are, I think this is the perfect opportunity to take a chance,” added Paula.

“She’s right, just ask him to go with you. You guys have gone to other parties together, why not this one?” asked Kris, to what Paula nodded.

The fact that Paula, the epitome of angelical behavior, was agreeing to this struck a cord in me. Maybe they were right.

“Yeah, and ask him to bring booze,” Justin chime in.

I ignored him, and turned to the girls. “Okay, you two agreeing so much is creeping me out. And besides, look who’s talking about taking a chance, why don’t you take your own advice, Kris?” I regretted it as soon as I said it.

“Ouch, that hurt,” Paula mumbled. Justin closed his eyes and shook his head.

Yeah, it was low of me to say that knowing Kristine’s situation. It was no secret from anyone currently sitting on the table that Kristine had been pining over Conner since forever but she has never had the courage to front. When she finally made up her mind to let Conner know somehow, it was too late: He arrived to a party with his new girlfriend, Diana. As you can imagine Kris was devastated, it was a rough couple of months.

But then, Conner discovered that the stupid bleached bitch had been cheating on him for God knew how long or with how many. Then it had been Conner’s turn to be devastated; he had really cared about her, apparently. And that’s the reason why Kris hadn’t made any moves towards Conner, she wasn’t sure he was over The Bitch – as we referred to her – even though that happened over five months ago.

That’s the reason why what I just said, was a very low blow on my part. And not that it was an excusable reason, but I really didn’t want to keep talking about Jake and me, if such a thing ever existed.

I sighed. “I know and I’m sorry, Kris. But I would really prefer to change the subject.”

She nodded silently. And I knew I had hit a cord. I would really have to make it up to her later.

“Whatever you want, but changing the subject doesn’t change the reality,” replied Justin.

Just then lunch was over. We returned to our classes as usual, Paula and I going off to PE where we would meet with Conner. As we walked to the gym, we talked as if nothing had happened, but I wasn’t so into the conversation as I’d normally be, what we had just talked was running over and over again in my mind like a broken record.

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The last two periods of the day went slower than ever. Mr. Peterson had us practicing volleyball on P.E. and for the first time, I found myself having to actually focus solely on the game. It wasn’t that I boasted about my physical abilities – the opposite was actually true – but it seemed easier to say I was a natural at sports than saying that me being a supernatural hybrid had something to do with it. So you can say it was kind of a shock for me when I missed the ball not once or twice but repeatedly.

And for the last period, A.P. English, I decided to just give up; I’d ask Justin for his notes later. Thanks God Mr. Davis didn’t notice or asked me anything, I would have surely embarrassed myself, since I was really not in the mood to pay attention even distantly.

Of course, I could not say the same for Justin since opposite to Mr. Davis, he did notice my behavior, and as we exited the classroom he threw his arm over my shoulder.

“So, tell me, pretty one… Where were you?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” I blinked, coming down to earth.

“I’m asking you where you were. Because you definitely weren’t back there in the classroom,” he pronounced each word slowly as if I was mentally inept.

“Oh. Well, you know… thinking,” I blushed.

Yup. Way to go, Renesmee. Thank God it was only Justin.

“Oh, sweet Nessie malssy,” he laughed.

“Shut up,” I backhanded him, making him wince a bit. Oops, maybe it was harder that I intended.

By this point we were already at the exit. So he stopped us both, turned me to look at him and grabbed me by the shoulders.

He wasn’t laughing anymore.

There is one thing that you must understand about Justin. Yes, he can be hilarious, but when he gets serious, it’s because he means business.

The moment I first met Justin back when I joined school, he came out as funny and very outgoing, always quipping something amusing and usually with a sexual innuendo. He actually seemed to exude sexual confidence and he did not have any gender limitations, which was evident, specially whenever there was a party, he always seemed to have a new person under his arms be it woman or man, and sometimes both at the same time, they would usually disappear upstairs and wouldn’t be known of until the next day.

It wasn’t until he got wickedly drunk in party, that I realized that there was something behind his behavior.

At the time I only knew that his parents were very wealthy and they traveled a lot, leaving him behind with the supervision of his butler, and despite being strange, especially for a small town like Forks, I never made much out of it.

That night, Justin had been uncharacteristically alone during the party, only accompanied by a bottle at the edge of the pool. He had been in no condition to get himself home, so Jake and I drove him there, and on our way there he broke down and told us that he actually used to have an older brother who had died tragically and that night was the anniversary of his death. Jake and I had ended up staying in Justin’s house that night, and he had opened up after sobering a bit.

Justin told us that after the accident, his parents were not the same and that was when they started pushing him away, until it reached moment in which it was as it he had never been in their lives, making Justin not only loose his brother, but his parents. Justin believed it was because he was the living reminder of his brother, and after seeing pictures of him, there was not denying the uncanny resemblance, yet one would think that the loss of a child would make parents appreciate more the remaining ones.

Sadly, that was not the case for Justin. The day his brother died, he lost his family and part of himself as well.

That was the point when I understood why he always acted so detached with his partners, only relishing in the physical contact instead of in the emotional one. I saw the reason why he communicated mainly by making funny remarks, and why he seldom established connection with someone.

He was trying to cope with the rejection and abandonment he was going through, and by acting aloof he was potentially avoiding future similar scenarios. His defense mechanisms were very much ingrained in him, and it pained me to see it now that I had a better understanding of the whole situation.

My friends were the few people that had been able to somehow break through his walls, which was probably because they were friends before it all happened. And after I joined the group, he had warmed up to me as well and even to Jake by extension, which gave me hope that it was not all lost for him. He was still able of forming new emotional bonds.

After that night we have never brought up the subject and I had never made the suggestion for him to talk to someone professionally, but I desperately wanted to find a way to help him. I didn’t know how much of his story the rest of the guys knew, but they must have known some since the accident happened after they were already friends. For the moment, the most that I could do for my friend was somehow let him know that we were here for him.

So you can imagine my surprise when he spoke very seriously.

“Listen carefully because I’m only going to say this once, ‘kay?” He said softly, I nodded my head, “I know you like him a lot” he didn’t need to specify who him was.

Something in my chest clenched. It was the first time someone had said it out loud and my heart just wanted to fly away to where Jake was.

“I sincerely believe what we were telling you before, but it is you who has to find out whether he feels the same or not. If he doesn’t… well, we are all there for you and there’re are always more fishes in the water right?” He made it sound so easy. “But can you imagine how it’d be if he really feels the same way?”

In that moment I could see it.

And it was perfect.

Justin smiled softly, as if he knew exactly what was going through my mind, “You cannot spend your life not knowing, sweetheart. You never know why might happen tomorrow, you may not have a chance to tell him. You gotta risk it.”

The only thing I could think of doing in that moment was hug him. And trust me, I had to remind myself that my friend was human and had a very breakable human skeleton, because what I really wanted to do was squeeze Justin with all my strength.

“Thank you,” I whispered when he hugged me back.

“You’re very much welcome, sweet cheeks,” he placed a kiss on the top of my forehead and it reminded me of how in need of real affectionate contact he must be in all the time.

“Love you, okay? Remember that,” I said, breaking our embrace.

“I always do. Now go, your man’s waiting for you,” he commanded, effectively breaking the moment.

I kissed him on the cheek and we parted ways, Justin to his car and me off to where My Jake was waiting for me.

And that’s when things turned upside down.