ROTH – CHAPTER 4

Previously…

“Thank you,” I whispered when he hugged me back.

“You’re very much welcome, sweet cheeks,” he placed a kiss on the top of my forehead and it reminded me of how in need of real affectionate contact he must be in all the time.

“Love you, okay? Remember that,” I said, breaking our embrace.

“I always do. Now go, your man’s waiting for you,” he commanded, effectively breaking the moment.

I kissed him on the cheek and we parted ways, Justin to his car and me off to where My Jake was waiting for me.

And that’s when things turned upside down.

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Renesmee

There are so many ways in which I could describe Jacob Black.

I could tell you about his carefree personality; go into detail about the different habits he has and make an endless list about the things he likes or dislikes. I could also tell you about his protective nature, or his somewhat rebellious streak. Or maybe you would like for me to describe his appearance, describe the way he looks when he bends into the hood of a car to fix it, or how his eyes shine when the sun is reflected on them, or his smile… well I could spend all day telling you about it, it would be an easy fit for me.

Nonetheless, the way I’m about to describe him is pretty much the most frivolous thing I’ve thought about Jacob Black. But seriously, if you were ever faced with the view of a six feet seven inches, gold skinned, dark haired of a god, I would dare you not to react the same way.

As soon as I finished speaking with Justin, I saw Jake on the parking lot, and let me tell you, it was hell of a view.

Jake in all his glory, leaning against his 67 black Camaro that he had rebuilt himself, hands in his pockets, making the muscles in his arms bulge out, his face looking up to the rare clear sky.

Despite being cold, it was one of the unusual sunny days in Forks.

Hmmm… maybe a trip to First Beach is overdue. We had to take advantage of these rare days. They were a rare gift around here.

Yeah, and the sight of shirtless Jake was also a gift.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. As I walked towards where Jake was leaning against his car, I noticed the look in his face. He seemed distracted, like he was miles away. This had been happening more and more lately, he got so into his head that he became unaware of his surroundings and that way he looked in those moments never failed to amuse me.

“What are you laughing at? What’s so funny?” was the first thing Jake said as I approached him.

I should have known a smile would appear on my face as soon as I saw him.

“You are, silly,” I smiled reaching out to wrap my arms around his neck and give him a peck on the cheek.

His hands went to my waist and he held me to him. I sighed happily, it was the first moment since my day begun that I felt complete. Having him close, smelling him, feeling him, simply knowing that he was here with me…

And then he held me off. It was as if my bubble had been busted out.

I softly caressed the side of his neck, leaving the hand there and sending out the vision of him just minutes ago in the parking lot. Of course, I omitted the way I was objectifying him as if he were a piece of meat.

One simply does not objectify friends unless it is to their own face.

Ever since I could remember I had the ability to communicate in a different way. I was able to transmit and image, or my thoughts and emotions when I made contact with another person’s skin. For a while I actually preferred it to actual speech. They do say that a picture is worth a thousand words, after all. At first I had trained a lot to be able to control it and project the images. And up to date I still sometime slipped if I found myself under a lot of pressure or feeling something very strongly. It also depended on the person I was using my power on.

Of course, I’ve used my ability so often on Jake – it was a way for us to communicate silently – that it came naturally to do it now, almost as if I were speaking out loud.

“Well I’m glad I amuse you,” he muttered.

“Oh, don’t be so sour. You just looked, I don’t know… spellbound, distracted,” I frowned, “A look I’ve seen in you very much lately.”

“Huh…”

I blinked, waiting for a more elaborate response.

One that wouldn’t come, I realized, when all he did was kiss me on the temple and open the car door for me to get in. I waited a few more seconds, still blinking and then got into the car.

He obviously didn’t want to talk about it.

Whatever it might be.

Fine.

He’d come to me when he was ready if he needed to do so. In the meantime, there was a more pressing matter at hand.

“So, Conner’s parents are going to Seattle soon,” Great. I sounded as nervous as I felt.

“Are they, now?” Jake asked casually.

“Yeah, they’re going to a concert or the theater, I don’t know, something like that,” I tried to make my voice sound as casual as his.

“Well, good for them. Keeping the flame alive and all that,” I rolled my eyes at that.

“Dumbass,” I muttered, which earned me a smirk I could see from the corner of my eye, “Anyway, obviously Conner is going to take advantage of it and is throwing a party,” I took a deep breath… “Come with me?”

He frowned for a moment and then cleared his throat.

“Go where?” he asked.

“To the party, dummy,” I rolled my eyes once again.

“Sure, what do I gotta do?”

Just notice me in a different way…

Sigh.

“Ness?” he prompted.

“What? Oh, right. Nothing. You don’t have to do nothing, I’m just asking you to come with me,” He just looked at me, “What?” then it was the damn cocked eyebrow, “Okay, fine. You are in liquor duty,” I let out an exasperated sigh.

“And there you have it,” he let out a laugh.

“Oh, shut up. Besides it was Justin who put you up to it,” I punched him in the arm, which just earned me another laugh. If there was one thing about being with Jacob, was that I didn’t need to restrict myself with my natural instincts which was liberating after being most of the day at school.

He grabbed the hand that had just punch him and brought it to his lip to kiss it. Of course, this caused a flood of warmth to curse through my whole body which was promptly extinguished with Jake’s next words.

“Fine, but if Charlie gets called in, is your duty to mellow him. And you better be good at it.”

Yeah, that would be awkward for Jake to handle.

“Please, Charlie would be on the palm of my hand,” I was his only granddaughter after all, plus it wasn’t as if it was going to be a wild party or anything, so my grandpa would not have to be called in at all.

Jake shook his head, still smiling and continued driving. I didn’t let go of his hand.

All the while, the conversation I had with my friends went through my mind, and I tried to gather the courage to tell him… to tell him what? What was exactly that I wanted to tell him?

That I liked him? It seemed so superficial and immature to describe what I felt towards him as simply liking him. But if I didn’t like him, what did I feel then?

Did I love him?

The answer to that one came easily. Of course I did. He’s been part of my life since before I was even born. He was my best friend. He was family. He was, without a doubt, the one person I could not live without. I knew that if something ever happened to a someone in my family I would be devastated, not that it was very probable. But to imagine something happening to Jake was as having an essential part of me ripped away. As if suddenly you took a fish out of the water and left it to die on the earth.

I was the fish and Jake was the water.

I…

…Holy shit, I was in love with Jacob Black.

Oh, fuck. This was bad.

Why the fuck did I have to fucking realize that I am fucking in love with Jacob Fucking Black while I’m locked in a fucking car with him?

Okay calm down, take deep breaths.

I breathed in.

No so deep, he’s going to notice.

Enclosed space. Right.

I needed to know what he felt, I really did, but I could not do this. Not now.

Besides, what were the chances that he actually felt the same? He probably just saw me as… what? As a friend, probably? As a niece, maybe? Jake and mom used to be awfully close, still are. OMG, I’m gonna throw up…

Not to mention that, despite me looking and acting and feeling as if I were older, I was six years old after all.

Well, five and a half, actually…

Right. And saying that was surely going to help me convince people of my maturity.

No. I couldn’t do it. I could not take the…

“You cannot spend your life not knowing, sweetheart. You never know why might happen tomorrow, you may not have a chance to tell him. You gotta risk it.” Unbidden, Justin’s words came to my mind. The encouragement I needed to at least try it.

Here goes nothing.

“Jake,” I said softly.

Good Lord, was that my voice? I could feel my heart racing, its pace even faster than usual. I looked at our hands, they were intertwined on top of my lap and I kept playing with his hand, just to calm my nerves a bit.

“Yeah?” There was caution in his voice, the previous causality on his tone lost.

He knew something was up. It was always like this for us, we could most of the time sense what the other felt, until certain degree, of course. I have no idea why this happened. Maybe it was the fact we knew each other so well, that we noticed even the smallest of changes in the other’s demeanor and this alerted us of the other person’s probable feeling at the moment. It was a connection that I could not deny or fully understand.

I took a deep breath.

“Are you – I mean do you ever –?” what was I going to ask him? Are you in love with me? Do you ever think of me as something else than a child who is your friend?

Of course that was without taking into consideration that we were practically from different species. Yeah, we both had something human; he was just a more advanced part of evolution, but me? I was a freak, not one thing or the other; I was something that wasn’t even supposed to exist.

How could I pretend that someone like Jake loved someone like me in a more-than-friends way?

“Ness?” by the time I heard his voice, I realized tears were leaving my eyes and I had covered them with my hands. “Nessie?”

I felt the car move quickly, then stop altogether. And then I was enveloped in Jake’s arms.

It reminded me of the few times I’ve cried for something, how only when Jake had held me in his arms had I been able to calm down. There was just something about being in his embrace that made me feel safe and calm.

“Nessie?” I couldn’t answer, “Ness, what is it, baby? Come on, talk to me,” the worry in his voice was so evident, something was happening to me and he couldn’t do anything about it, just hold me and hope that I would calm.

He cared so much. He was so loyal and protective. There was nothing tying him to our family, he could do whatever he wanted, go wherever he chose and still… he chose to stay here, not only with his family, but with mine, too.

Why? It couldn’t be just the friendship he and mom had, or the one that existed between us. I knew the last was something big, at least it was for me, but that couldn’t just be it…

I felt his hands tracing soothing patters on my back and through my hair, and slowly, my sobs became sniffs and my tears slowed a bit. My body relaxed somewhat in his arms, as if he was a soothing balm. Nonetheless, my hands still clutched at the t-shirt on his back, refusing to let go.

His hands lifted my face and his thumbs brushed away my tears. We stayed like that for a few moments, me with my eyes closed and him softly caressing my cheeks with his fingers.

What wouldn’t I give for this moment to mean so much more than just him consoling me. What wouldn’t I give for me to open my eyes and see the reflection of my feelings on Jake’s eyes, too.

“Ness,” Jake murmured.

“I’m okay. I just – I’m okay,” I knew my voice was only a whisper, but that was fine. Jake would have heard me all the same, even if we hadn’t been as close as we were in that instant.

“Ness,” Jake said once again, his voice a bit insistent and I knew what he wanted. I opened my eyes slowly, but had to look away quickly, fearing that I wouldn’t see what I wanted to see in Jake’s eyes.

It was a cowardly move, I know. But I just couldn’t face it right now.

I realized a tear had escaped my eyes when I felt, once again, Jake’s thumb brushing my cheek. It seemed that was all he had done for the last… how much time had passed?

“Just take me home, Jake,” I think that would be the best for the both of us right now.

“No,” he muttered. I just blinked. There was a moment of silence, in which we stared at each other. “No,” Jake repeated, as if to make sure that was actually what he had said.

“Jake, please. I really want to go home,” I insisted, trying to brush away the shock that he had really said no…

“Baby, I’m not taking you home until you tell me what’s wrong,” I stared at him for a long moment. He really wasn’t going to do it.

And I understood why. I had just freaked out on him and had giving him no explanation as to why after all. His worry could be heard in his voice, and that made what I was about to do even more difficult. But there was no way in hell I was going to tell Jake what was wrong.

Not at the moment at least.

“Alright,” without saying anything else, I gathered my stuff and then got out of the car and started walking.

I was a few steps away when I heard the sound of the car door opening and heavy footsteps on the gravel.

“Ness! What are you doing?” Jake exclaimed.

“What do you think I’m doing? I’m taking myself home, since you obviously won’t,” I said levelly.

“Come on, Ness, don’t be like that,” I didn’t stop. “You can’t really expect me to pretend that the last few minutes didn’t happen. Hell, I don’t even know what the last few minutes were about!”

I turned around and faced him. “And you can’t really expect me to just stay here after –” after I almost screw everything, was on the tip of my tongue “ – after you blackmailed me like that!” that was what came out of my mouth instead.

A wave of regret washed over me as soon as I said it. Even before Jake spoke again.

“I – what? What are you even talking about? Blackmailed you?” The hurt in his voice was evident and knife of regret was twisted a bit more in my gut.

“Look, I didn’t mean that. I just… I want to go home. And I’d prefer to do it alone right now.”

Yeah, it’s better like that. Not be it that another nasty thing comes out of your mouth…

And with that, I turned away and ran home.